This is my official “ love letter of letting go…”
I remember the first love letter I ever received. It was from a brown-eyed curly-hair boy named Breon Farrar. He wrote me a note that was passed to me by friends in our neighborhood who rode our bus. I was in the 5th grade. The note was simplistic and earnest. It went a little something like, “I think your pretty. I like you. Do you want to go together?” Breon (think he put his phone number in the note). I was so excited because I had a major elementary school crush that would last throughout junior high and into high school. I wrote back, “yes” and that was that….we were “going together”. It lasted 17 days. The sweetness of young love was short-lived. Thus the pattern began…..
I have been thinking, cogitating, marinating and meditating about the science of openness. Let me be more specific, I have been struggling with the reality of wanting to be open to love. The love I want to be open is boundless—- it is self-love, friendship-love, romantic-love, familial-love and sacred-love. This continuum of loving expansiveness is tricky because I have lived experiences (we all do right) in these love spaces that have created deep grooves in my bone marrow that hold fear, pain, resentment, self-doubt/loathing and regrets. Each is like a little time bomb, poised to explode and sour a precious moment, mood or experience. They have found ways to morph into little miniature ghosts of Christmas past, wrangling chains and howling around dark corners and making me scared to peek out from under the covers. Of course, I know that only way to conquer those voices is to pull back the covers, get my bearing and assess what I am facing (cause what I am hearing is my own voice…). I HATE scary movies, but I know the only way to really know the specter is not real is to not give it life.
I have been thinking about what it would look like to experience loving openness in all aspects of my life and that felt like a very heaving proposition. I have felt as though I had been operating with episodic openness based on what “I didn’t want”. I
didn’t don’t want to be hurt, fooled, tricked, abused, disappointed, abandoned, lie to, cheated on or let down. Operating from “what I don’t want” gave me the key to the escape hatch in the event my openness was too wide and some other random shit was starting to creep in. In that event, I could always hit the switch and close ranks and BE OUT. However, at 47 I am tired of the “what I don’t want”. I am tired of giving life to apparitions and undetonated munitions. I am tired of the endless voices and conversations in my head warning me about all my failings, shortcomings and goof ups that cycle around whispering “you are more than enough—-PSYCH! Gotcha!” I am tired of the grey that caste over my light/life and I want to be free. I want to give life to openness because of what I want. And what I really want is to fully embody love.
I want to fall deeply (again) in love with my life and all the juicy, rough, confusing, delightful, sweet, lush, tiring energy it brings to me. I want to be wise and compassionate in my openness and hopefully that will help me be less judgmental of myself and others. Maybe that will help me not squander the gift of loving openness I was blessed with by my Most High, my ancestors and Ye Ye mi Osun. Maybe the multiple times I have been reminded that it is still possible to be open and not be a fool, cast aside or hurt will settle in my marrow instead. Maybe that will invite the magic of authentic sustained connections and relationships.
I want to be open to loving me—this body, this heart, this soul. I want to be open to her journey, taking risk, being sweet, sensual and spiritual. I want to be open to loving my family, friends, future partner and community even when they confuse or hurt me with their action, communication and responses. I want that wise compassion to hold me in a space of openness to the knowledge that they too are carrying little time bombs in their bodies. That they are haunted by ghost at night too. I want to lean into those people and let them know “I see all of who you are and it is enough, it splendid and it is loved by me”.
So! This is my love letter of letting go. I am letting of whatever is not serving me to move more fully into openness. If I am to be the beneficiary to all the gifts of that openness, I have to lean fully into a loving, frightening, amazing and divine space….for me.
Love you Omi, with all my heart….
Osunfunke, Billie-Jo-Jim-Bob, Wilhelmina, Billie, Willy (Word)