Eggzactly…

eggzactly

If you had told me when I was 21 that I would insert a crystal egg into my vagina for sexual healing and what not, I would have said “A crystal? In my vagina? Ohhhh hell nawwww”! Well, never say never my friend. I have actually inserted, not 1, but 3 different crystal yoni eggs into my vagina (not at the same time though people).

Disclaimer: I don’t sell yoni eggs, bless yoni eggs or give “professional” advice about yoni eggs. What you will read below are my personal musings about my experience with the yoni eggs I purchased from femmagic.com is who is an amazing resource. #payblackfemmes (Gemynii)

One of my best and dearest friends, Leigh, was diagnosed with uterine cancer a little over 6 years ago. In true Leo fashion, she KICKED CANCER’S ASS! After her hysterectomy, she purchased several yoni eggs to assist with her healing and to reclaim her sensual and sexual energy. After using them for awhile, she was adamant that I “get me some eggs”. I was not convinced. I don’t know what shifted, but about 3 years ago I purchased my first set of eggs. I am definitely a crystal girl and have been known to wear crystals in my bra (when I wear one) or carry them in my pocket. I set my crystals out during the new moon to set intentions and I bath them in the full moon to give thanks for the abundance in my life. I also love to  gift crystals to friends and lovers and have minted my youngest son as a crystal junkie as well. I really do believe in the strong healing properties and energy of crystals, but the thought of inserting them into my “yoni” made me nervous. What if it gets stuck? What if it causes a reaction? What if I can’t get it in? All the thoughts! My first set of eggs included Amethyst, Rose Quarts and Red Jasper. I had done crystal “work” with each before so I was imagining that they would be beneficial to some much needed sexual healing. At least I hoped they would…

I was senior in high school  in 1985 when we met. He was 19 and in the Marine Corps. He was from Ohio, drove an electric blue Iroq Z and let it be known that I “wasn’t his type” (too brown, hair too short, cute, but not pretty, etc.). He pursued me anyway and I guess I felt “chosen”. He also told me l belonged to him, but that he wished I was lighter or my hair was longer with looser curls or that my breast were bigger. He would often tell me, in the midst of an argument , that I was too emotional or stupid. I felt small and ashamed of  my feelings.  He would also tell me he loved me after he would make me cry.  The cheating with different “pretty” girls seemed endless and he told me it was my fault because I didn’t do “the things” those girls did… so he taught me how to do it, how to please him and he still cheated anyway. The harder I tried to please him, the more I felt myself slipping away. My body betrayed me. In those moments after he berated me, he would make love to me and my shame would be overridden by my arousal and climax. I was emotionally and mentally abused and my ability to give my consent around what was happening in our relationship and to my body became a nonexistent thing. I learned how to weaponize my sex from him. How to please, seduce, manipulate and orchestrate.  I accepted the narrative that I would never be enough or that I would always be too much for a man to really love me just as I am…brown, thick, curly hair, big nose and thighs, and emotional…. Billie.

The first time I inserted a yoni egg into my vagina, I could hear my girlfriend saying “don’t get weirded out the first time you insert your cleansed egg. relax. Take a warm bath or shower. Speak your intention to the egg. What do you want? What do you claim for yourself and your sexual healing? Warm the egg with your body temperature by rolling in over your skin. Inset the egg. If it pops right back out, that is not the energy you need to be working with right now. Don’t worry! The egg will not get stuck! When your body is finished with the egg, it will expelled it…PLOP! Just like that”!  So I began my journey of “working” with my eggs and I liked it. I liked it a lot.  As fate would have it, I ended up in a conversation with another girlfriend, Yahzarah, about yoni eggs. She shared with me that I could, if I wanted to, have sex with the egg inside and it could facilitate amazing connections and orgasms. WHAT?? Well NOW we are cooking with gas! Yoni egg INSIDE while he is INSIDE? Sounded intriguing and scary at the same time. What ultimately happened was an experience that I didn’t anticipate. Having sex with the yoni egg inside opened portals to different levels of connection and intimacy that I had not anticipated. I mean,  I didn’t see unicorns or anything like that, but it the experience, connection and energy was more that I could have prepared for or can fully articulate in retrospect so I’ll just say that I highly recommend it. A quick reflection about working with these eggs….

I dropped the amethyst egg early on and never replaced it. Call it a false start to my journey with the yoni eggs coupled with nervousness. I decided that the universe wanted me to focus my time and energy on working with  the red jasper and rose quartz. Red jasper “can re-activate a passion for living when one is feeling blue or unemotional, apathetic, or spiritually defunct, and is commonly used to spark sexual or creative energies. It assists in identifying one’s personal ideas and beliefs about sexual expression or orientation, and helps release shame or guilt around these issues. Red Jasper also helps maintain balance and emotional stability during difficult times, like periods of remission during a serious illness or in long treatments where the outcome is uncertain”.  Rose quartz “is a gentle, pink, feminine, high-vibrational stone all about unconditional love, in all aspects: self love, love for family, love for friends, romantic love, and harmonious relationships of all sorts. Rose quartz help you to recognize your self worth, and experience joy, warmth, peace, and emotional healing. It helps to dissolve old wounds and traumas (including sexual) and release early imprinting that might have made you feel unable to love yourself and unable to love others in turn. Its vibration of love dissolves anger, soothes heartache, releases emotional thoughts and patterns that no longer serve you, and is helpful in comforting grief associated with death and dying. Its goddess energy attracts love and increases emotional sensitivity”.

If you follow my blog, you know I have been very open and transparent about my journey with depression and anxiety. My growing understanding of how to be mentally and emotionally well, is that my depression is often triggered by things and unresolved issues of my past and my anxiety is about me wanting to control what will happen in the future that doesn’t exist yet and is fraught with ego. When they happen as the same time, they are a bitches brew of turmoil, darkness and self doubt. With my diagnosis 2 years ago came the opportunity to critically interrogate and “unlearn” many of the narratives I have blindly accepted about my value and worth.

Who taught you how to run?

Your mother says we’re cursed

Something in me yearns for something in you

Love is messy

Some trauma travels in the blood

How you are is how I love (d) you

You kiss (ed) me like God is between my lips & you’re here to repent

Our love was kind

Neither of us works miracles but my goodness how this was holy

—Warsan Shire (adapted by Omi)

I have been celibate for over a year. At first it was not on purpose. I just wasn’t connecting with anyone. As I have been traveling my post -divorce/post-50 journey of decolonizing the crone, one aspect of that journey has been my new perspective dating, sex, intimacy and partnership. Part of that perspective was the admission that I really don’t know how to “date” healthy. I feel like that is a practice that I am learning as I go and that it is worthy of me being intentional (and lots of therapy helps too). My new developing practice is based on radical honesty, respect, reciprocity and vulnerability.  I have had my share of sweet serendipitous moments/relationships that afforded me the firsthand experience of what is possible when I am free to be me, to be vulnerable, open and honest. Perhaps that is what makes me idealistic or a hopeless romantic. This is not a sad tale over never having experienced good lovin or not being able to give love freely. What this is, is a real narrative of how much of my life and in many of my romantic relationships, I didn’t believe I would be valued if I was truly seen and open. It is a narrative about acknowledging my sexual performative mask created so long ago and it is has often been difficult for me to remove it. The first law of thermodynamics, also known as Law of Conservation of Energy, states that “energy can neither be created nor destroyed; energy can only be transferred or changed from one form to another”. I would add that energy can most certainly be stored and while the object or person that carries that old energy cannot be destroyed, it or they can be removed from your presence to make room for energy that is new and hopefully healthier for you.

Summer 2018  phone call: 

“You threw it away ?” 

“Yup, I threw it away? “

“GIRL!”

“I know right?!”

“Why?”

“I realized that it was storing energy that I no longer need !” 

“Blocking your blessings?”

“yeah, something like that…”

“Shit! I may need to chuck a few mydamnself !”

Laughter based on 35 years of friendships fades….

I am sentimental. I keep items that remind me of “firsts”. My first drivers license, a piece of hair from both the boys when they were babies, the outfits I brought them home from the hospital in, my first professional business cards, dried flowers pressed in a letter from a lover, my first car keys, first reports cards and my first yoni eggs. Well, one of them. I had “dropped” the amethyst egg and discarded the red jasper, but the rose quartz had lived nestled next to my Osun shrine for the past 2 years. She looked very comfortable and benign sitting there. I would intermittently cleanse and charge her with the rest of our crystals during the full moon and new moon. I have taken her to the ocean and cleansed her with prayers to Yemoja. I have taken her to the river with petitions to Osun,dripping in honey and tears, but I had not inserted her or worked with her in over a year.

A few weeks ago I decided it was time. I would re-introduce the rose quartz to my yoni. No dice…”plop”. I tried several times and again, “PLOP”! Finally, I meditated in front of my Osun shrine and I could hear plain as day “don’t you put that egg back in your vagina. It is time for the new. Bring her to me and leave her here”. Last Saturday, I went to the river and I always do, I brought offerings for the Orisa Osun (Ore Yeye O!). I am a child of Osun (Omo Osun) and an initiated priest of Osun (Olosun). I brought offerings of honey, champagne and flowers. I also brought something to be discarded, something I needed to let go of… released. As I stood on the banks of the Eno river, I said a prayer of gratitude the experience she afforded me and for complete and total release. As I prayed softly, with tears running down my face, my girlfriend Yaba said, “Girl! Chuck that shit now”! And so I did.

Life is funny, short, fragile, amazing and complex. You really do get hit the restart button everyday and live in that moment.  I give thanks for the experiences I had with my old yoni eggs and what that energy brought to my life at that time. A time that has passed.  I give thanks for knowing that energy is not longer necessary and I am ready to purchase some new yoni eggs. Discarding the old to make way for the new and feeling pretty damn good in this very moment.

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